Since February of 2024 I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. When I decided to go on my working gap year, and thus we decided to go long distance, I grappled with all the same ideas that most people would think of long distance- what if someone cheats? What if we just fall out of contact? What if I go so long without having sex I just die? The longer I have been away, however, the more I have realised that long distance relationships have gotten some seriously negative press. A long-distance relationship can be a unique opportunity for independent growth, planning a future that you want together, and to work out how to best communicate, especially when dealing with distance and time differences.

I have found that a long-term relationship can become a crutch if, as adults, you haven’t learnt independence and interdependence. A long distance relationship can thrust you into the open seas of living, working, and socialising independently. You need to learn to cook for one, to make your own friends, and to have your own hobbies. I found out very quickly that people who don’t know my boyfriend don’t want to hear about him in a conversation- they want to hear about and get to know ME. Because of this, I realised that I also wanted to get to know myself. I’ve regained a love for hobbies I’ve drifted away from, I’ve learned to navigate my chronic illnesses without having someone there to care for me, and I’ve learned to be able to just exist on my own, enjoying my own company.

Because of this newfound sense of self, I have also found myself planning a future more in line with my aspirations and interests.  We have together discussed our goals for careers, how we want to work our hobbies and interests into our lives, and where we want to live. I have found as we have both grown within ourselves, independently learning about our own selves, we have actually grown closer, finding more in common with each other and discovering what makes us truly compatible.

Another skill I have developed due to this long term relationship has been efficient and effective communication. Perth is seven hours ahead of the United Kingdom, and I work shifts that generally finish at 2 am. To make it even harder, due to my chronic illness, I sleep a lot. That leaves a couple of hours before work and maybe an hour afterwards to talk, provided his sleep schedule is always the same. I learnt fast that with such limited time “together”, picking fights and pointless dry chat gets you nowhere, and leaves everyone feeling shitty and unfulfilled. So as strange as it seems, we have learnt to maximise how we talk to each other. A phone call on the way to work and quick updates during breaks have become our lifeline, getting to know important updates in each other's lives while we are spatially so far apart, and have to deal with drastically different times and schedules. Both of us send messages knowing that the other will be asleep, and we've even learned to embrace this, with messages we know will be nice to wake up to.

The distance and spotty communication has also let me build my trust in our relationship. I'm not there constantly to check in on him, see who he's talking to or hanging out with. I don't know whether he's eating well all the time, getting enough sleep or having too much screen time, and I have found that to be a good thing. I have developed a far more healthy approach to life, letting go of the constant anxiety and need to control everything he does so that it fits into my idea of what is right or wrong in a relationship, and have begun to accept that there are two intelligent and capable adults in this relationship, both of whom are learning to be independent.

Long distance can really suck. Not sharing a bed, not waking up to someone you love, no spontaneous trips for food in the middle of the night are all things that are hard to go without. But long distance has taught me a lot, about myself, about my partner, and about relationships in general. I think it's unfair how long distance is treated as a monolith, written off as too hard, or bait for cheating and dishonesty. If you and your partner love and care about each other, and are willing to work through the difficulties of being in a long distance relationship, you can make it work. Although it is an important consideration to make, it definitely shouldn't be what stops you from adventuring abroad for studies or travel!